Before I got into a serious relationship, dating was complicated. It was hard to figure out who was dating you for the long haul or if you were just a fling. I was not secure with my body, (Thankful I am able to love myself completely now) because of that, whenever someone was interested in me I’d be ecstatic. Then I realized those relationships weren’t going anywhere or there wasn’t a real connection because I was just a fetish because of my skin color, body type and accent.
Having fetishes aren’t the problem. And we’re allowed to have our dating preferences. But having your entire being and existence just be reduced to an object of sexual desire and gratification for someone was not a great feeling. Also a total waste of your time when you’re looking for something serious, and looking forward to having a real connection with someone.
There were a ton of red flags indicating I was being fetishized (and fetishized racially):
- There is an excessive amount of compliments. Compliments are great especially when you feel like the rest of society doesn’t feel that way about you. But the compliments are also really strange. Like your shade of black is complimented and being compared to a celeb you look nothing like.
- He doesn’t want to you to make certain physical changes to your body. For me I started working out, and I would hear things like “You don’t need to workout or lose weight, I don’t think I’d be that into you if you were skinny”.
- It could be the opposite, he would want you to make ridiculous physical changes. For example getting plastic surgery for bigger boobs or buttocks.
- Most of time you see each other it’s for sex or sexual purposes.
- You mainly meet in places sex can occur.
- Sex is mainly about playing out his fantasies. (And can have a racial twist to it). It also gets boring because it can even get very identical to the previous time.
- This person wants you to act a certain way that is stereotypical. For some guys NOT speaking in my thickest Antiguan accent was annoying to him because it’s such a “turn on”. And for others the expectation that I listened to rap and hip hop music a lot or mainly was huge red flag. Not saying Antiguans don’t listen to rap or hip hop but I don’t. But I grew up listening to Calypso, Soca, Reggae and dance hall music but he didn’t understand that because he wanted me or expected me to act like a stereotype of a black person from Brooklyn.
- Phone conversations and text messages are entirely sexual. That’s if you even have phone conversations. In addition always wanting you to send pictures. They don’t necessarily have to be nudes.
Because of my insecurities about myself because of my weight I ignored these red flags for a while. I happy that I am now able to love myself. Self-love is true freedom.
The above events do not necessarily mean you are being fetishized, and there a bunch of other ways you can be fetishized, I am simply sharing my dating experiences that made me feel like I was being fetishized.
Anyway pay attention to who you are dating